Sunday, March 16, 2008

LIFE: Why I Will Never Own a Cell Phone

I was talking to Casey Slack on Friday night. Various subjects came up including my first computer, a VERY low serial number Apple ][ computer. I still have it. I doubt that it'd start up and run, mostly because I don't have an old black and white TV to attach it to. Maybe one of these days.

Back in the day, that Apple was a $5,000 purchase. Actually, slightly more than that, and only a grand less than my relatively new car at the time had cost me to drive off the lot. Before that, I had begged, borrowed and, to be honest, stole time on big main-frame computers at York University and the University of Toronto. Most of the programs then were BASIC programs written on mark-sense cards. Computer geeks weren't geeks in those days. Carrying long boxes of cards to and from the computers took some physical effort. The joke was that you could tell a programmer by his longer carrying arm. Okay, not so funny.

I also was the first in the school to have an electronic calculator. I was probably the earliest owner of a VCR on my block (bought to record ABBA in Australia) and I certainly was the first to have three or more of the things running. I probably fit the bill as a gadget freak.

And yet, I do not own a cellular telephone. Never have. Have my doubts that I ever will. I also don't have a bank card, only reluctantly use a credit card for purchases I make remotely and CANNOT do in person, and I have rotary dial service on all of my phones at home. That's right, the technogeek doesn't even have touch-tone service.

Those of you who DID switch when touch-tone came in decades ago might forget that it cost money to make the switch back then. I wasn't in the movies, so being able to dial quickly wasn't important. SIDEBAR: The push-button phone is one of the most important inventions in the HISTORY of Hollywood. Prior to the advent of push-button phones, scenes with characters dialing would take ten seconds or more, instead of a second or two. Eight DEAD seconds of movie time is a very expensive eight seconds. Hollywood LOVES the push-button phone, unless filming a period piece. Then, the property master has to go round and dig up some of the black Bell beauties. Oddly enough, MY lone remaining old-fashioned phone has more than earned its keep as a rental property. END OF SIDEBAR

I also didn't need services like Call Display. If I'm home, I answer the phone. If the phone cuts to an answering machine, I AM NOT AT HOME. Maybe indisposed you ask? No, NOT AT HOME. I have a phone in EVERY room in the house, including two in the kitchen, one in the basement and in BOTH bathrooms. I will NOT be indisposed. Unlike people who curse the air blue when caught in the bathroom with a phone ringing in another room, I have no such problem with making decisions.

You ask what about services like Call Waiting? Near as I can figure, about half the attempts to take advantage of call waiting go like this. "Oops, there's another call coming through. Let me see who it is. I'll get right back to you." Click. "Hello, hi, oh it's you. Guess they hung up."

I think every call I'm on is important, no less nor more important than another. I think it's rude of me to prioritize. That's just me. I have no problem with other people doing it to me, since I tend to ramble. Shutting me up can be a chore. If it takes somebody else calling in, so be it. But I wouldn't want to do it to other people. And if it is an emergency call, they'll keep calling till they DO get through. Simple. No cost, either.

The anti-cell phone phobia extends beyond the money. I once got one for Christmas, despite making my preferences not to have one quite plain. It was given in love, and returned with a certain lack of graciousness I regret to this day. But I won't have one. Basically, I don't want a phone going off when I'm driving down the highway with gigantic trucks doing 100 klicks an hour on either side. THAT is called a recipe for deadly accident. I don't want to turn off the alarm and suddenly have something kicking up a storm in my pocket either. I have a LOT of quick-twitch fibre in my muscles when I'm surprised.

No, the safest way for me to arrive alive, is NOT to be suddenly startled by a phone. Besides, it's not like I'm out all that often. It's mid March and I have gas in my car from DECEMBER of last year. If it wasn't for a trip north this week, I'm pretty sure I would have gotten to April 1st. At least. All with the same 40 bucks of gas I stuck in the tank the week before Christmas. There's been an illness in there, but I've largely been a stay-at-home, phone-accessible body for all that time.

I'm perfectly happy being a technology troglodyte slash expert.

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