TV: Could $6 Million Have Saved Bionic Woman?

When it was announced about this time last year that NBC was bringing back Bionic Woman, I had mixed feelings.

Like many a young male, I had fond memories of Lindsay Wagner. And of the TV show, too. I was just graduating high school at the time and it was a race between Wagner and Olivia Newton-John as to which was the hotter number back then. The TV show was a spin-off of the Six Million Dollar Man (an unfathomable value at the time. Today, not so much. Heck, Rasho Nesterovic clears eight mill a year).

It was entertaining in a sort of doppleganger way. If you liked the original, you probably liked the female version. It was actually quite successful, lasting three seasons. I mean, it wasn't The Girl from U.N.C.L.E. cheesy. And yes, I had a crush on Stephanie Powers too. Still do.

The crush on Wagner. Not so much.

When the series ended, the company behind Steve Austin and Jaime Sommers decided to do a TV movie or two. I ended up doing the computer screen special effects for Bionic Showdown. Byron Patchett, the Property Master on the show, asked me to mock up a program that would let Lindsay Wagner's character Jaime type away at a keyboard and have specific text come up on the screen. I also ended up doing some fake security computer screens for the big finish, filmed at Copps Coliseum in Hamilton.

I didn't quite warm up to Ms. Wagner. Any movie set is a question of hurry up and wait. Most movie sets are INCREDIBLY boring, unless you are heavily involved or heavily interested in the technical aspects of movie-making. Each second of footage is often the result of hours of setup. Shooting a full minute of usable film in a day is not good or bad. Might be average. Soooo, you wait around for something to happen.

In newspaper terms, it's called "Rewrite!!!!" Somebody doesn't like your work and wants it made different. Note, I did not say better. I had to rewrite my work on this movie. And I sure as hell hated the given reason. Especially on the night I set out in a sleet storm from my nice comfy cave, to drive to Hamilton to deliver updated security screens. Upon arriving, the crew broke for a 90-minute lunchbreak (albeit at 7pm in the evening).

If it hadn't been for the delightful presence of a young Sandra Bullock, already making a positive impact on crew (and certain computer effects writers alike), I'd have been thoroughly P.O.d. As it was, my festering resentment for Ms. Wagner hit its zenith and I lost complete interest in the Bionic Woman. Didn't even care that my name never made the closing credits.

Cut to last year. The show was coming back. The bitterness had never left. BUT it was a science fiction show, and I'm supposed to love SF. Hot new Jaime Sommers, with no trace of her predecessor anywhere around. In fact, I was surprised to find that Michelle Ryan, a rather sexy young Brit and a key supporting player in Jekyll, was going to be the new Bionic Woman. What was there to fear?

The pilot.

Loved the rooftop fight between Ryan and bionic predecessor Sarah, played by Battlestar Galactica star Katee Sackhoff. Miguel Ferrer plays grump better than any middle-aged man has any right too. But the whole thing just seemed leaden. Didn't like the way Jaime became bionic. Didn't like the new price tag. Wasn't awfully fond of the deaf kid sister (she was replaced by Lucy Hale, playing bratty, for the actual show, to no improvement). Didn't like the non-expressive Ryan. And was worried that blue jeans, plain top and a leather jacket was going to be all that she would ever wear.

And things never got any better.

Having Ryan play a British exchange student was one bright light. During one exchange with mission control, just about the time I was wondering why she was speaking to her control agent in her (real) accent, the operator asked her why she was doing it. She babbled something about staying in character, but I smiled about the timing, since it was starting to bug me. It might have been the only smile throughout.

Bringing in noted homophobe Isaiah Washington probably was a desperate bid for attention. He came, he died. He made no impact. Other comings and goings left a multitude of loose threads in the air. Solutions were perfunctory. As was Jaime's need to not publicly display her prodigious strength and running skills. Tearing a car door off not one, but two cars, in the final episode was "all in the wrist."

Turns out, I could continue hating on Bionic Woman again, afterall. And with this latest incarnation folding, I might not be alive when they try to revive for a third time.

And I'd like to life a mite longer, folks. So, let's not keep the rest of the scripts for the canceled series away from the trashbin, where they belong.