LIFE: I Swear. You Swear. We Swear ... Sorta

Early, VERY early today, I got a phone call about a problem with my point of sale software at the Toy Chest kiosk at the Woodbine Centre. My reaction?

Crappity, crap-crap-crap!

I was upset and uttered my usual epithet. It's one that I get away with, even in front of my parents. The same parents who once introduced me to the fine taste of soap when I once said, 'Hell!' in their presence. Yes, I did indeed, have my mouth washed out with soap. It is a nasty taste. And I've never forgotten.

Now, I'm much older, and if I wanted to let loose with a string of invective, I'm pretty sure the only reaction I'd get today would be a look of disappointment. I'm too big for Ma to try the soap stunt on, now,. But it WOULD cross her mind that it might be worth a try.

I'm not completely oblivious to the art of cursing. People who know me, know that I CHOOSE to utter F-Bombs when, in fact, I have reached the end of my very short temper. It's the ultimate warning sign that somebody's stepped over the line with me. I do NOT use the phrase casually. I have one acquaintance who used the word so frequently, that he forgot he was in the presence of my then 10-year old niece. I cut him off permanently, even though said niece was already capable of using the word herself. It was the principle of the thing.

In the car by myself, I'm a filthy-mouthed idiot, quite capable of making a sailor blush. Most of that was learned in dressing rooms at various sporting events, sometimes as a participant, most times as a reporter. With an ample supply of invective phrases, I actually only ended up using a few. Other than the F-Bomb, I don't actually use any the other six words George Carlin says "You Can't Say on TV."

One of them, the euphemism for bovine excrement, is covered by the home-made extension of crap, that I invented. The phrase is intended to signal dismay, while giving me time to think about the mess I have suddenly found myself in. Barked in rapid fashion, the tone sends the message, the actual words taking the sting out of what might be an offensive utterance. It's a trick I learned from author David Gerrold.

One of Gerrold's replacements for the F-Bomb, is TANJ-it! He prefers tanj for crap, the lower-case letters and vocal emphasis indicating the difference between the two euphemisms. Tanj stands for, "There Ain't No Justice!" It's the first time I came across invented words just to get by the foul language police. Used it myself around the house, forgetting that my mother liked to read, too. End of THAT experiment!

Battlestar Galactica made 'Frak' a house-hold word back in the late 70's, as the writers of that series, got one by the idiot censors of the time. The same crew was probably still in office, taking offence, when the writers for NYPD Blue cast about for a suitably 'acceptable' curse word and came up with frig and it's cousin, friggin'. I liked THAT one. I still use it myself on occasion.

But not when Ma's around.